“Where is it?!”

Then we realized a bulb wasn’t missing, and we had to get the string of lights to sit just right. Twist a little bit here, twist a little bit there…and then…the lights began to flicker. We could see what the whole strand would look like once it was completely lit!

“Wow, did you see that?!”

This week, after 6 therapy sessions and lots and lots of practice every hour of every day fighting “Buttface”, Maycee’s Anxiety Monster, we began implementing a potential 504 plan for her school day. The biggest obstacle in front of her? Starting the day in class and not at the office, and then staying in class all day including transitions.

“Mommy, look! The lights! They are all on now! What did you do? How did you make it work?”

And, “just like that” the string of Christmas lights were glowing. Each and every bulb: yellow, orange, green, blue, red, and purple lighting up every branch of the tree. Smiles began to peek through. The green pine needles began to shine under the brightly lit glass. Giggling, goofing around, looking forward to more positive and exciting discoveries surfaced. Maycee’s exact words: I know I’m getting better because I’m being silly again. I’m being more like my “old” self.

“How was your day, Bugga Boo?” “GREAT! I was in class all day by myself [without the principal checking in], and I barely worried because I was so busy. I EVEN participated in P.E. and got to choose what line I sit in!  I sat with Leslie [her bff].”

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree! You are so very lovely!

When the lights finally come on it feels so good; makes me want to find more strands to fiddle with…especially some of my own.  How ’bout you?

Honestly, it doesn’t hurt to be in the Christmas spirit all year long, and with 90 degree temps on tap for today I think I’ll look for a palm tree to decorate. 

Life is short, so keep fiddling with the strands of faulty lights-don’t throw them away or give up. They are just waiting to shine and  light up the world, and while you’re working on them be happy, and give a chuckle.  Ha, ha, ha…ho, ho, hooooooo…

XOXO-SWM

Just when I think I can’t handle one more variable of change lest I might disintegrate into a million broken mommy pieces out of frustration, something kicks up inside of me and says, “SNAP OUT OF IT, WOMAN!”  Yes, this loudly the command roars within my mind, and the gears begin turning, filtering ideas that might work to help bring about positive reinforcement through what is generally considered a negative event: the dreaded school-refusal tantrum.

The past two mornings I’ve decided to use high-fives.  I mean, how positive are those, right?  My kiddo works through her anxiety to do something she doesn’t want to do, and immediately I run up to her and say, “GIVE ME FIVE!  You did a great job!” (Referring to getting dressed for school, for example.)  Now, this doesn’t mean we had zippo tantrumming (especially today).  Nah, we had some major door slamming and banging going on along with the predictable, “You’re being so mean! It’s all your fault Buttface (her anxiety) is huge!” She was mad at me for “not doing the tools with her” and not giving her more chances (I said three were enough, and well, I was right).

But, in the split second the storm calmed…up in the air went my hand, and SLAP! went the sound of skin on skin…and slowly thereafter another….and another, “Hey, awesome!  Give me five!”  SLAP! And….slowly thereafter…a small smile formed…then a little peace and quiet entangled with hair doing, teeth brushing, and backpack wearing.

We walked to the car-no child lock necessary today. All the way to school, with KLOVE on the radio, I continued to give positive praise and a couple more high-fives just to make sure we were on the right track (more smiling).   When we got to school I actually was able to park and walk with my girl hand in hand to the office to check-in–the second time this week. It wasn’t necessary to pull up right in front and take a tight grip to ensure she wouldn’t try to run away.  Big progress!  Who cares about how it used to be?  Big progress for the here and now!

It was a high-five morning, and as I logged on to tell y’all about it I realized that the celebration of this out-of-the-box thinking was happening for my 100th post.  Well, hippee ki-yay and hurray!

So, if you’re having difficulty with your child’s behavior, if you think you can’t handle another scream or yell or harsh word or slammed door (hypothetical or otherwise), command yourself to SNAP OUT OF IT, WOMAN (OR MAN)!  Get busy, get moving, get thinking, get creative, and remember to give you and your kiddo a big HIGH-FIVE for each and every positive step you take.

Totally worth it!

And, at the end of the day, perhaps just before you fall asleep, give a chuckle and be happy because life is waaaaay too short to settle for “I can’t”.

Here’s to SWM being 100 posts old!

XOXO,

SWM

Hi, Everybody!  Yes, it’s true!  I’ve been officially blogging for two full years. Can you believe it?  No?  Neither can I (smiling).  When I began this blog I think I had about three subscribers for most of the first year…no…maybe I had up to five or so (chuckling)…and only a handful more commenters. But, now, two years into writing about my life, my loves, my ups, my downs, my thoughts, and my take on the journey of being a forever single mom I can happily say I have 76 followers, 92 Facebook followers, and I’ve accomplished writing 98 posts thus far (make that 99 now), hmmmm, and I think I have a few more commenters, too.  Awesome!  Still not running with the big guns, but that’s A-Okay with me.

Blogging Wizard, oh, please show me the way…

I write to heal, I write to explore, I write to work through things, I write to connect, and I write, ultimately, to help others realize they are not alone in this crazy world whether single moms, single dads, sahm’s, sahd’s, parents, not parents, or anyone along the spectrum.  There is light in any situation-if we wait, if we look, we will see it shining.  We all have a path, we all have something to share, and it’s been my pleasure and my joy to do that with all of you.  I’ve grown immensely from where I came as a newbie to WordPress.

So, here’s to another year of blogging the road of happy destiny…oh…wait…is that plodding the road?  Flogging the road?  Oh, maybe trodding the road is correct (wink)….well…no matter, I’ll be here whether my stats keep increasing or not.  You’re stuck with me!

Remember: life is short, so be happy, READ a lot, and give a chuckle.

XOXO,

SWM

Six weeks ago I had no idea what was happening, and I have a sneaky suspicion  there are hundreds of thousands of parents wearing my exact shoes.  Maycee has always thrived: emotionally, spiritually (yes, she loves God with all her heart), socially, and educationally.  She’s been the top reader in her class since kindergarten, reading at a 6th grade level currently, and she’s excelled in all subjects, including citizenship and participation.  She’s been the teacher’s aide and the first student to offer to help another classmate who might be experiencing trouble either academically or with his/her peers. She’s always LOVED school and the activities that go along with it.

What began happening six weeks ago came seemingly from out of nowhere…seemingly.  Maycee had been sick with the flu for a week, and then, after trying to go back to school as soon as she was well enough, began having severe diarrhea in the morning.  We thought it was the antibiotics she was on, but along with the diarrhea there was hesitation and nervousness about being in the classroom.  Maycee didn’t want to be at school…I thought it was because she still was sick.  I didn’t realize she was still sick because she was suffering from Anxiety Disorder-Health Anxiety to be specific.

Here are the symptoms:

• Constant worry about being sick
• Obsessing on disease and illness or being hurt physically and dieing
• Panic attacks, hyperventilating when triggered
• Restlessness and sleep disruption
• Nausea, shaking, stomach cramps, diarrhea
• Dizziness
• Needing to be reassured continuously that she is physically okay
• Sweaty and clammy palms of the hands
• Seeing the environment in strange colors (“Everything looks yellow.”)

These physical and emotional symptoms then lead to:

• Not wanting to go to school
• Extreme tantrumming when the anxiety takes over, including screaming, ranting, door slamming, and not being able to calm down
• Uncontrollable crying
• The feeling that no one cares, no one likes her
• Needing “someone” (me) to help her “feel better”
• Unable to focus on normal daily activities such as classwork or small chores
• Extreme fear of the unknown
• Depression and sadness that something is physically “wrong” with her

This is only an abbreviated list, if you can believe it, and you should.  I did not know what was happening to my bright, shining, star.  I had no clue why my once silly and outgoing child was cowering in the corner of her bunkbed afraid afraid to come down.  I only saw her in pain and wanted to make it better, so I began searching.  Searching for answers, praying, searching some more, and not giving up-no matter what.

Here is what I’ve found now in week 6:

• Maycee has been diagnosed with Health Anxiety Disorder, and it is completely treatable with the right therapy.
• I did not do anything to make this happen (yes, parental guilt is huge here, so this was a relief to find out).
• This would’ve happened to Maycee, if not now, at some point in her young life as discovered through therapy based on her behavioral and emotional history (she’s incredibly empathetic for her age).
• This most-often occurs in children around the ages of 8 and 9, when they are in the third grade, and also often occurs in kids of average to above-average intelligence.
• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the most effective form of treatment (not medication), and I’ve also discovered, very difficult to find specialists who focus primarily on children.  I was referred to the only Childhood Anxiety Specialist in the county, and her web site is the SECOND one to come up on the web when you look for Cognitive Behavioral Therapists (we’re blessed).
• It takes an IMMENSE amount of dedication and hard work to implement this therapy, and the parent is the primary teacher upon receiving  instruction from the therapist.
• After only 4 sessions Maycee is already showing improvement, but she is also working extremely hard to “fight” the Anxiety Monster (we now affectionately call “Buttface”).
• This is a big one: the school is REQUIRED BY LAW to make educational accommodations for the child to ensure that he/she receives the same education as any other student via the 1973 Rehabilitation Act, Section 504.  This is not the same as receiving Special Education, but rather, for particular emotional or physical issues that require slight modifications in the school day.  This is so important, as initially when Maycee began having problems being in class I was told the school “could not accommodate her on campus”. NOT TRUE, PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

I’m not going to write a 5-page post on the subject, but rather, I want to make sure all of my readers and anyone else who may find this post are informed.  Anxiety Disorder in kids is very real.  It is not a behavioral issue (meaning the kids are acting out “just because they need more discipline”, etc.). This is a mental and emotional state that develops, and there may not be any major trigger causing it, which is makes it elusive.  It can happen to any child, just as it did with mine, and quickly turn the family’s world upside down.

Had I known about this, I might have saved my daughter weeks of emotional duress, weeks of missing days of school, weeks of me missing work, and a whole host of aggravation, fear, stress, and exaustion.  So, I’m taking the time to deviate from my regular writing style to make sure this information is put into the blogosphere…I don’t want to look back on everything we are going through and not have done my part to help another parent and child in need.  Maycee feels the same way:

Two days ago when we were driving to the Boys and Girls Club for Maycee’s spring break vacation she said to me, “Well, even though it’s hard, I’m glad I’m going through this, Mom, because I will be able to help other kids now.”

Yes.  Yes, indeed.  We are on our way.  God led us to the right people eventually, and we are on our way.  Maycee’s spirit is beginning to shine again.  This week has been particularly successful compared to the last five, and I’m grateful.   She’s falling asleep more easily, learning to handle the obsessive worries and focus on the moment, what is happening now, and what is real.  She is identifying when she’s panicking and recognizing it will pass if she practices the techniques we’ve learned so far rather than trying to run away from the anxiety.  We are still in the beginning of the battle, but there is hope, there are answers, and her therapist has GUARANTEED me she will return to her happy and vibrant self soon.  I believe it.  I do!

So, Readers, I’m tired, very tired.  Even now as I write my eyes feel swollen and like they could close with no hesitation.  It’s tough being a single parent in all of this, no one to help in the home, no one to “take over” in the late nights and early mornings,  but the past has taught me I can handle it, you know?  I act “as if” I’m okay, and I break down when I can in the stillness of the night so I can re-charge my batteries.  I just do it like any other dedicated and loving parent would, and I’m grateful every day to those who support and encourage me.

I hope this information gets around…please feel free to re-blog this, print it and pass it on, post to Facebook, Twitter, and anywhere else.  There really isn’t a lot of information about it, and what is out there isn’t easily accessible from a parental point of view (physician’s speak rather than nitty-gritty real-life details). I’ve provided a couple of links, as well, that might be helpful.

Life is short, and it’s also challenging, but everything we experience gives us the opportunity to be of service and pay it forward in some way.  Maycee already realizes this, as I have hopefully passed this way of thinking on to her.  I wish you well, and I’ll be back around these parts more often very soon, I’m sure.  Be happy, and take some time to chuckle, okay?

http://slocbtcenter.com/contactoffice-location.html

http://www.cta.org/~/media/Documents/PDFs/Prof%20Dev%20Pub%20PDFs/quickGuide504pdf.pdf?dmc=1&ts=20130404T1222182301

Since my last post about my daughter experiencing Anxiety Disorder at age 9, it feels as if I’ve lived a full 2 months in only 2 weeks. Life has been a whirlwind, to say the least, of Internet research, doctors, therapists, school administration, phone calls, emails, and text messages all in the effort to help Maycee work through her worries one day, one minute, one second at a time. Last week, I lived in my own anxiety and fear as getting through the school day became a near impossibility for my child. The stress of missing work and watching her suffer, cry, and panic felt almost unbearable at times.

After all, we have been settled here in the Yellow Submarine for almost 4 years. Maycee has been doing well in her new school for almost 2 years and is top of her class. There’s been little to ruffle our feathers, as I’ve dedicated my time to keeping everything pretty simple. And, while Maycee has certainly been finding her way as she’s growing up, like typical school-aged children do, I thought we’d overcome many of the bigger battles years ago when life was much more tumultuous.

Don’t get comfortable. I get it (wink). The world is an evolving mechanism filled with ups and downs, twists and turns around every corner, and Jack-In-the Boxes waiting to surprise us. There is no period of time that stays the same. Change is the one thing we can count on…always….and expectation only brings us the possibility of disappointment. It’s much better to live in the moment. So, here we are. Maycee is suffering from Anxiety Disorder as a third-grader, and I can ask, “Why her….why me….why us…why now?” Or, I can ask, “Okay…what is the next indicated thing I need to be doing to make this better?” Then, do it.

This week I’m not in the same fear I was last week. Just one group of 7 days later I’ve learned enough to know that Maycee will be okay. I’ve studied a lot already that is helping me cope as her mom to aid in dealing with her worries. I’ve listened to my own meditation CD (from the therapist) over and over again, and it is helping me to stay calm through the storm and to be the rock that is steady as the waters in Maycee’s mind move in and out with the tides. I don’t rest on my laurels. I keep trying new things and being willing to do whatever it takes.

Over the past 4 days Maycee has thrown multiple tantrums ranging from a 3-hour panic attack Sunday night that lasted until 12:00AM to begging and pleading with me to keep her home from school every day because she’s hyperventilating and feeling nauseous at the thought of going on campus. But, this week, I’m operating with a different perspective. I’m feeling strong as steel, calm as the clear, blue California sky, and through the tantrums and anxiety I’m steadfastly holding my ground. I’ve been told she needs to work through the worries….do not give in. She needs to be the one to do it. I cannot do it for her.

Each night this week we’ve gotten closer to her normal bedtime: another 15 minutes earlier than the night before. Each morning the tantrums have been a bit less: another 15 minutes closer to making it to school on time. Each day we are both learning about boundaries, about what is real and what is not, about what we can handle and how much, and how vital it is to focus on the positive at all times. AT ALL TIMES. Another 15 minutes longer in class. Another 15 minutes of laughter. Another 15 minutes of peace.

I just wanted to check in with you, Readers.

Maycee began regular weekly therapy this past Monday and will begin seeing the school counselor on Fridays. The principal has been my go-to person, waiting for us in the office and settling Maycee down after I leave, encouraging her, and because of him I haven’t missed one day of work this week. The teachers and after care personnel have shown us nothing but support. My church is stepping up to help cover the cost of the therapy sessions for 6 weeks until my medical plan reimbursements are approved. Mom sent me a card with a little extra money to help cover the hours I’ve missed at work. Our horse trainer came over to spend time with Maycee “just to talk” and give her a hug. I had an afternoon out with a girlfriend this past Saturday (while Maycee’s dad came up for a visit) to rejuvenate and recharge via the beautiful Central Coast seaside and a cappuccino. My boss tells me don’t worry about my job, family comes first. Prayers abound.

Love is flowing in every nook and cranny, even across the entire country and beyond.

I’m blessed. I’m blessed. I’m blessed.

Recognize it. Reach out. Do the next indicated thing. Never give up. Focus on the positive. REPEAT.

Many hugs, love and good vibrations going out to each one of you. Remember: life is short, so be happy every given moment you can.
XOXO-SWM

Enjoying the sunshine!

For over three weeks now I haven’t slept through one full night.  Maycee was sick with the flu the first week, and then, somehow, as she wasn’t getting better, the flu transitioned into full-blown childhood anxiety.  Maycee has had periods of anxiety before…from toddlerhood until now.  She’s acted out physically from picking at the skin on her fingertips until they bleed, to pulling out her hair, to tantrums that would last upwards of 30-45 minutes and leave us both totally wiped out.  I hadn’t written about these things because since I began my blog almost two years ago, the behaviors had subsided so greatly, they were nearly non-existent. But, this anxiety this is different as it’s affecting her sleep, affecting her mood, affecting her weight, affecting how she’s getting along in school, and affecting our day-to-day life. 

Anxiety disorders affect one in eight children. Research shows that untreated children with anxiety disorders are at higher risk to perform poorly in school, miss out on important social experiences, and engage in substance abuse.*

I feel very helpless at times.

But, as a single mom, as the person she turns to and needs the most in any situation, I cannot sit in that feeling for very long.  I have to suit up and show up, armored from head to toe,  and prove that I’m as strong as steel and can handle any amount of worry thrown at me.  I can and will handle it, and I need to tread gently as Maycee filters through her feelings, providing her a safe and secure environment to share.  Worries: Can’t breath, stomach flu, eating the wrong things, missing out on fun stuff, burglars coming into our house, kidnapping, shootings, theft, wars, dying.  Heavy for a nine-year old. And, I haven’t even mentioned the tantrums that have, at times, been mixed in with the crying and depression.  Nine-year old tantrums are completely different from 4-year-old tantrums, more dramatic, louder, and intense.

Last Thursday I posted the picture above.  I came to work in my sleep-deprived and overwhelmed state, frazzled from a long night, trying to focus the best I could on what needed to get done for the next 8 hours.  I walked outside to pick up the mail, and as I entered the clean, crisp air, I felt the warmth of the sunrays on my back. Then I looked up at the sky and felt them on my face.  It was as if Jesus, Himself, was giving me a warm hug.  Right then I decided that instead of eating my lunch at my desk, half-working, half-resting, I would take my lunch break sitting outside in the sun.

A day at the ranch is always good for the body and mind.

We are already doing a lot of proactive things to help this problem go away for Maycee. The school’s principal has been amazing checking in with her regularly and allowing her to visit him when she’s having a panic attack.  I’ve done a lot of on-line research to find cognitive techniques to help Maycee with her fears, the breathing difficulty in particular.  We had a terrific doctor’s visit last week so she knows that physically she is perfect (except she needs to gain some weight), and the doctor gave her great advice and tips, as well, for handling her worries.  Today I’ll be meeting with a psychologist, first for myself, and then if need be, for Maycee, to gain better perspective on how to deal with all of this.

This, too, shall pass.  And, as it does, I know there are many lessons to be learned and growing to be done.  Acceptance, patience, tolerance, and most of all LOVE must rule in and through and around me as I help my daughter cope with all that is burdening her little, heavy heart.

I’m grateful we live in a sunny and beautiful place.  I’m grateful I can write about this here in a safe forum where many of you understand and have been there.  I’m grateful I believe in God.  I’m grateful.

I may not be writing as much in the days to come, Readers, but you are with me.  And, as I seek guidance and gain rest, I’ll be back.  Promise.

I’m taking anxiety by the reigns…

Life is short. We must take it by the reigns and gallop with it.  Be happy, and give a chuckle on my behalf.  Thanks!

 XOXO,

SWM

*http://www.adaa.org/about-adaa/press-room/facts-statistics

Thanks, MJ!

I’ve missed you, fellow bloggers and readers!  Maycee has been sick for over nine days and not just with a cold, not just with the flu, but both coming and going.  Nights have been restless with many interruptions from coughing and sore throats,  and the 9-year-old attitude has been in full force, fiery with aggravation because it is taking so long to recover. I’ve been worried about money, naturally, as with sick days come missed hours of pay.

However, recover we eventually do, and yesterday Maycee was feeling much, much better, THANKHEAVENGODALMIGHTY. She had to go into work with me, as it was the President’s Day holiday, you know, another one of those days that gets lumped in with a four-day weekend preceded by a minimum day because we’d much rather have our children on vacation every few weeks than learning their ABC’s.  Okay, yes, this mom is a bit burnt out, ha, ha!  I digress!

With Maycee feeling much better, and me feeling, well, totally exhausted, it was only a matter of time before all normalcy was overcome by radical emotion.  After a rocky start in the morning culminating in me having to tell my kiddo that she had lost her television viewing privileges for the night, the rest of the day was marvelous.  I got plenty done at work, and Maycee was super-duper both in attitude and behavior.  We got home around 6:00PM, our normal weekday/workday time, and I had dinner ready by 6:45…nice! 

It was a simple supper of soup (say that five times as fast as you can forwards and backwards) and crackers with carrots and ranch for dipping. I ate cereal, the breakfast of single mommy champions.  After Maycee finished eating she was going to go play Barbies in her room since the TV was off-limits.  BUT, before she turned around to head down the hallway, she started humming the tune to Michael Jackson’s song “Thriller”.  Then, it happened.  The little switch that had been waiting to be flipped.  Maycee asked her sleep-deprived, germed-up,  maxed to the limit on eye-rolling SWM, “How does the chorus to “Thriller” go?”

“How does it go?  HOW DOES IT GO? Well, like this, “THRILLER! THRILLER NIGHT (disco finger pointing in the air)! Hey, wait a minute; I think I have the album to this. Yes, wait, yes, I do. Do I?  Did it get left behind?  No, I have it; I know I do!”  And, off to the living room this mom fled to find the album that changed the paths of all humankind: Michael Jackson’s Thriller.  ”Play it, Mom!  Play the whole album!”  And, play it we did-over and over.  And, dance around the living room we did. And, air guitar and microphone we did!  We did!  Hips shakin’, hair whipping to and fro.  Every single vein inside of me was feeling like a 9-year-old, myself (album was released in ’82), and MY 9-year old little girl? 

She stopped dancing after a while and just plopped down in the rocking chair, staring, glaring, grinning, giggling, and saying, “Mom, what’s gotten into you?!?” I sang while washing the dishes and spun the dish towel around my head.  I grabbed the dog and made him dance, too.  I even licked ice cream off the ice cream scooper after dishing Maycee up a bowl.  Each movement to the music setting me more free from the next. RELEASE! COMPLETE ABANDON! NOT A CARE IN THE WORLD NOW!

“Thriller” had gotten into me, and truthfully, just in the nick of time before I went bonkers from the prior week and half’s stress.  And, to think that yesterday I was wondering what on earth I was going to blog about now that I had the chance to sit down and finally write (wink). Thanks, MJ!  Thank you for making such an awesome album. Thank you for letting this mama cut loose so as to survive another “day in the life”. Thank you for such a fun Thriller Night that broke the cycle of sickness and worry that was permeating through the Yellow Submarine for so many days.

Okay, everybody now, get your groove on: THRILLER!  THRILLER NIGHT!  You know you wanna…go ahead…even if everybody’s watching!

Life will always have its ups and downs.  There will always be challenges to overcome.  So, seize the moment and rock on because life is short.  Be happy, and Laugh Out Loud!

XOXO,

SWM

I love you, Mom!

Sunday I was out at the stable with Maycee getting ready for her to have a lesson and for me to accompany her in the arena for a short and easy ride on my horse. Before riding, however, my trainer suggested that I lunge Hi-C in the small round pen first, just to get the wiggles out. I was feeling a bit fatigued and shaky; I hadn’t eaten much but at the same time didn’t feel hungry. Yep, that is fatigue. But, I went ahead and did what was needed, or at least, I tried.

As I entered the round pen with the lunge whip (my saving grace), I told Hi-C to walk. He was nibbling on some teeny weeny pieces of grass between the bars of the pen and the outside. He ignored my (whimpy) command. So, I took the lunge whip and (meekly) swatted his rear and asked again, “Walk.”  Then I raised my voice, “Walk!”  Then I pleaded, “Come on Hi-C….Walk! Pleeeeeease!”  I felt failure creeping up and inside of my veins, and a whispering voice saying, “See, you stink at this.”  Hi-C continue to eat his scraps of grass. I caught him looking at me out of the corner of his eye, little devil.  Even though I felt defeated and insecure in my ability as a (very green) horseman, that look made me release with a smirk.

Dan, the owner of the stable, was up above on his patio barbequeing for his family for the Super Bowl game. He hollered, “Heeeeeeey, who’s the boss down there?!” and, he chuckled heavily. I laughed, too (although I felt like hiding in a hole) and replied, “Not me!” 

Finally, Hi-C, on his own recognizance, decided to begin walking the circle. “Good boy!” I encouraged. I clucked and said, “Trot”, but then WHOOOOOOOA, he decided to trot right towards me in the circle.  Every inch of 1,000 pounds of my tall big-headed horse coming at me. I waved the lunge whip at him high in the air, screamed a light scream (is there such a thing?) and then yelled “NO!” in the most manly voice I could muster after the high-pitched girly screech that came first.

Back out into the circle he went again…trotting….cantering….for a minute…then back at me….another WHOOOOOOOA, and a squeal, then my trainer yelling from out in the distance, “You can do it, Kasey!  Don’t let him be the boss!”

My nerves were shot. Maycee and my trainer’s little girl, K,  were giggling and watching me from the side of the round pen.  After a few successful circles without my big, giant pet wanting to play chase with ME,  I’d had enough, and I let him be. Maycee said, “Moooooom, he’s NOT going to hurt you! Look at him! He’s saying, ‘Hey, where are you going?’” (Yes, he did come over to me with his big ol’ head looking just like that.)  The girls were still giggling, and Hi-C still had that devilish little look in his eyes, but I know he loves me.  And, I knew he wouldn’t hurt me…but my body and brain were not registering the truth with the instinct to remain unharmed as the primary caregiver and sole financial provider to my child and self (wink)!

This wasn’t about Hi-C or my horsemanship, however.  It wasn’t about him not listening, or me not being assertive enough, or doubting that I can gain his respect on the ground, or even overcoming fear. Not this situation.  It simply was “one of those days” that we all have and most of us want to avoid.  We wish that every day, every experience, every moment was easy–that the successes we achieved happened continuously.  But, then, how would we EVER learn to deeply appreciate the spectacular from the mundane?

As I mounted my horse bareback that afternoon and confidently walked and trotted around the arena, my legs hugging his body, showing where I wanted to go with just the thoughts in my mind and slight movement of reigns, I felt free.  It was all okay.  Maycee was having fun during her riding lesson, my horse was behaving just fine without me being perfect, and it was all okay…and I let it go….for another time.

There’s always tomorrow.

Friends, we love to analyze, we like to pick apart our actions or the behaviors of others (animal or human), but sometimes the situation just…is.  So, for today, let it be or let it go, and live in the light because life is short.  And, as you feel the freedom flowing through you, give a chuckle.  Now, that’s what I’m talking about!

XOXO,

SWM♥

This morning Maycee and I went to the ranch to bring all of our beloved horsey friends their special Friday carrots and apples.  I love getting up early on these mornings during which I not only prepare Maycee’s school lunch and her breakfast, but I also prepare coffee for myself and cut up a dozen or so whole carrots and apples for these wonderful creatures that bring us peace.  We only get a few minutes with them since it’s a school and work day, but it’s worth it; it’s totally worth it.

Rushing down the road from the ranch to make it to the school yard on time I prepare for the morning drop off.  I can remember so many days when taking Maycee to school a few years ago I cried, knowing I wouldn’t see her for ten hours.  That was a tough period of time, and today I can gratefully say I don’t cry when I leave her very often anymore.  Instead I give her a kiss on the cheek, tell her to have a super fun day, “I love you, baby!”, and she says, “I love you, Mommy!”, and my heart feels happy.

Within fifteen minutes we make it, just as the bell is ringing, and I pull to the side of the road as close to her classroom as I can.  They’ve now begun to lock the hallway gates in reaction to Connecticut’s tragedy, so even though we are steps from her room,  she must walk all the way up to the office and then back down again once inside the school property.

We are behind in time, but as she’s walking, her pace picks up.  She looks for me in between each parked car…and she waves.  Every time.  I wave back.  Everytime.

It is now “only” a nine-hour day between the morning drop off and when I pick her up from the free aftercare at school.  It is still long, and I miss her, but I marvel at this relationship between mother and daughter.  And, today, it makes my eyes well up with tears.  Tears of joy.

It’s the weekend, Readers.  May you enjoy every minute of every moment possible. Take some time to marvel at your relationships, your children, your pets, and all things you hold dear.  Life is short, so be happy (and give a chuckle, but of course)!

XOXO-SWM

Tonight, I know, I just know I’m going to dream about horses.  It was “one of those days”.  And, because it was “one of those days” I plan to enjoy the reprieve of a peaceful sleep, and horses of all colors will fill the green hillsides of my slumber.  They’ll be grazing, not galloping, just calmly grazing upon the luscious strands and enjoying the warmth that is tanning their backs, taking away the chill of the early morning.  Their manes might move with the slight breeze, couples will rub noses, and babies will snuggle up against their mamas.

 Just before typing this post I had a cup of Yogi Bedtime Tea.    Like I said, it was “one of those days”.  I haven’t been as diligent with my tea lately, so tonight it was time.  Sipping tea feels sacred.  It takes meditative moments to taste the subtle flavors. It isn’t brash like coffee (although I love coffee), but quiet.  It whispers to me as I drink and tells me to have a seat, to close my eyes and be done with the chores.  There is only so much one woman can do in a fifteen hour day; the tea reminds me of this.

Comfy and sparkly jeans, you’re the best!

Tomorrow I will get to wear my beloved blue jeans to work.  It’s Blue Jean Friday.  I have them picked out already…my new favorite pair with rhinestones in the shapes of fireworks on the pockets, blue and turquoise stitching.  These jeans do my riding boots justice (just ask Maycee), and when I put them on I feel the wannabe cowgirl within me risin’ up inside.  I actually strut my stuff and sway my butt because I know I’m sparkling all over, and it’s grand! They’re probably the fanciest pair of blue jeans I’ve ever owned (from Walmart’s finest boutique), and I don’t usually do “fancy”, but blue jean fancy is different.

Yes, tonight just know I’m going to dream about horses, and I’m thankful that when I wake up it will be a new day, a different day, and that means that anything is possible.  Isn’t that just marvelous?  Thank God for blue jeans and bedtime tea.

At work, but feeling gooooooood! Uh huh!

Friends, I hope the weekend brings you hours of rest and splashes of light.  Life is short, so be happy and give a chuckle. XOXO-SWM