The Definition of Insanity

Talk about a hiatus.  Well, let’s just say, I’ve had quite a week.  Hmmmmm, well, let’s just say, I had quite the week last week.  Thus, I had to take a blogging hiatus.  It is what it is, as my dear ol’ dad touts.  Amazingly enough, after 4 years of “finding myself” in the SWM role, I have grown quite strong and a tad thick-skinned.  Stronger than I think I ever would’ve imagined I had to be and yet, still with  an incredible amount of vulnerability.  Last week I walked into work on Monday, after taking the prior Friday off to be with my daughter on her last day of spring break, and was told there had been a terrible accident the day I was gone.  A worker died.   The air was sullen, people were quietly discussing in their offices, and a steady hum flowed through the hallways .  Quite a tough morning to begin, but it doesn’t stop there.  To make matters worse, after being told the news, I sat down at my desk, around 10AM, did my typical thing of opening both work and personal email boxes, and found a page-long email from my boyfriend…details to be excluded here…but the gist was that I apparently had been on the totally and completely wrong page with him.  I don’t even know if I’ve been in the same chapter or the same book–and as he put it–this having been for several months.  Even the same library?  Reading in the same language?  Someone please get me a card catalog!

Definition of insanity: DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS. 

Remember now, I’ve admitted I enjoy taking windy roads.  At least, I used to.  If there was one little bit of my life left to tweak, well, I’d better do it.  You know, because I don’t like how things are.  So, tweak it.  Four years of SWM-hood has made me change my tune.  Three years of playing the “comeback kid” has REALLY made me change my tune.  Now, I strive for sameness, stability, even the boring and minute at times.  I welcome a soft, comfortable pillow at night.  I relish in knowing my neighbors and being able to walk next door to chat a bit.   I find excitement in small pleasures like hearing Maycee giggle with elation,  trying new foods, exploring my surroundings, meeting new people, and pushing myself to achieve distant goals (like riding a horse) or maybe even putting a few dollars into savings-I did say “distant”. 

For two years I’ve had the same job now, and for over twelve years I’ve worked part-time in another.  For almost two years I’ve managed to live in the same house.  And, for just over one year I’ve been with the same man-happily, very happily, forethemostpart.  It wasn’t anything that was heading to the alter; no, I’ve learned my lesson on that one.  However, it seemed to be a settled give and take built on similar lifestyles, kids, and the ability to squeeze in time for each other in the tiniest of spaces, huge chemistry, and the words: I love you.  I was more than content with that…then, things began to change.  And, when you can’t put your finger on what is wrong, and your partner isn’t willing to talk about it as it’s happening…the definition of insanity sets in.  I’m doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.  It isn’t gonna happen.  He’s not going to have the Chocolate mentality and suddenly realize he can’t live without me, become Johnny Depp strolling into my shop with the wind, ready to have a cup of hot cocoa and adopt me, Juliette Binoche, and my sweet daughter the like. 

And, the Academy Award goes to….

So, it leaves me questioning the road I’m on.  Where do I go from here?  Well, I’ve sojourned into SWMland unwillingly, and I’m learning to deal.  I’m doing my best at playing the part: STRONG SINGLE WOMAN RAISING HER DAUGHTER ON HER OWN IN THE BIG BAD WORLD.  Hahahahah, at least I am chuckling over this. Like I have bulging muscles hidden by armor and long, flowing hair to my waist. Where do I go?  Nowhere. I just wait, at least for a little while.   WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO, WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE THE ANSWERS, DO NOTHING. And another: EXPECTATIONS ARE PREMEDITATED RESENTMENTS.  Be patient, be silent, don’t expect anything.  Okay, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t secretly hoping my man would turn into Adam Sandler in the Wedding Singer and have an epiphany that he can’t see life without mmmwa, but then again, he’s not a song writer either, so it may be a stretch.  Johnny Depp or Adam Sandler-yes, a stretch.

I went shopping at Ross last weekend as I was getting ready to celebrate Mom’s Day (one of my most favorite days of the year)  with , of course, this fresh headline news dominating my thoughts.  Shopping = coping.  There was a sign that read: HAPPY IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT.  ALWAYS HAS BEEN, ALWAYS WILL BE.  It was worth every penny of $2.99, and now hangs proudly next to my back door. 

I don’t know what’s around the corner, in the library, the novel, the chapter, or the next page.  But, as I place a bookmark to hold my spot, I wish you, the readers, a smidgeon of sanity and bucketloads of happy.

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5 responses

  1. “I wish you, the readers, a smidgeon of sanity and bucketloads of happy.”
    This made me happy! Reading about your coworker filled me with sadness. I might have had the same feeling about the boyfriend, but you did an excellent job shaping that into amusement instead.

    Your reflections about stability really resounded with me. I used to be so impetuous in virtually my every action.

    Yesterday evening, I was driving between work and daycare reflecting on the fact I’ll have worked at my job three years next week. Part of me smiled and rejoiced at that thought, but a smaller part of me went, “Where’s the gal who’d hop on a plane to New York just because she was bored?”

    Even that thought made me laugh. That gal’s a mom now, and has learned the importance of knowing she’ll be able to take her son to the hospital without paying for it out of pocket. She knows she’ll be able to keep a roof over his head and food on his table, and find her unexpected delights in the wonder of her son as he takes in the new experiences in each day.

    I like knowing what to expect these days. I like planning my travels. There’s still new stuff to see and do, but . . . I don’t need it to be every day the way I used to!

    • Hi, Deborah, Enjoyed reading your reponse. I had to tell you since you’re great about reading, I got some “hate” email on this one from a guy who’s handle read “aguywhoknows”.I tried to find him on wordpress to see if he, too, had a blog, but found nothing. Pretty creepy to get hate mail, and heck, I thought this posting was fairly lighthearted and meant for comical relief! But, I had to laugh, too, and then promptly hit “delete”. Ha, ha…such is life!

      Well, the girls get it, at least! -Kasey

      • I’ve been wondering how I’ll respond to hate mail! Until I read your comment, I assumed I’d approve and ignore it. Thinking about this comment, though, I realized that it gets more of an audience if I approve it, and changes other peoples’ experience. I’ll definitely be deleting as well, probably in conjunction to forwarding to friends so I don’t have to experience the “joy” all by myself!

        I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. Your posting was totally lighthearted but still thoughtful, which was great (and uncommon) given its subject matter. It’s a good reminder how anything can be deemed offensive, depending on how hard the reader/listener is willing to work to make it happen!

  2. Pingback: An assortment of blogging awards « The Monster in Your Closet

  3. Pingback: Contemplating my “zoo” and looking forward to 2012 « Single Working Mom (SWM)

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