Often I wonder if my blog posts come across as “not real”-that in sharing a positive spin even under the most dire of circumstances folks think, “Ugh, really?! You mean, you aren’t sad-EVER? You aren’t mad as hell about (insert topic)? You just smile and chuckle everything off?! Give me a break!” I hope this is not the point of view of most readers. Certainly I’ve received much support over the last three years of blogging, and I often have comments that commend my attempt at finding a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
But, just to dispel any doubt: I do get sad at times. Very sad. I do get mad at times, although not often. I do feel sorry for myself when it seems everything is hitting me smack dab in the gut. And, I HAVE been in a funk over the last year off and on, actually. A funk that mostly remained in my head-not shared with too many, but visible to those who know me well.
It’s been difficult to think of writing about it because, well, at the end of the day I believe in happy endings. I believe that “This, too, shall pass.” I believe that whatever darkness invades my thoughts, a light is shining, waiting for me at the end of the tunnel. So, rather than write about the difficulties in my mind, I wait for the change over so I can spread sunshine instead of offer rain clouds. I think the world does a fine job offering negativity all by itself, and I desire my on-line presence, my small and minute piece of this blogosphere, to be a place of refuge for those who visit.
My goal has been and still is to share my journey as a single working mom with others, to offer hope and insight into the balancing act that is being anything and everything to my daughter-juggling work, school, and home as a do-it (all by)-yourself show.
Blogging has helped me make it through some of the most serious and tough times as a woman in this position. As so many of us bloggers do, I’ve worked through things with my words. I’ve seen the other side more quickly because of this little web site gifted by WordPress.
I’ve been looking at myself lately, more-so than I have in a long time.
I see traces of wrinkles around my eyes and on the skin of my hands. I’ve noticed aging spots on my cheeks from working at the barn in the sun. Strands of gray make their way much easier through the reddish-brown on my head than they used to. My shape isn’t so shapely any more, and I criticize myself in any clothing besides blue jeans and boots.
When I look in the mirror I see circles under my eyes. I see a tired woman, and yet I wish I didn’t see her.
Whereas, even five years ago, I didn’t see these physical traits. Maybe they were there, but I didn’t see them as clearly.
And, to accompany the way I see myself physically is what I feel inside.
the feeling of not having much emotion or interest : an apathetic state
It’s scary to feel apathetic, and it makes me uncomfortable. Do I live apathetically?
I keep going. I keep doing, and slowly, I’m finding my way as a 40-something mother who wants nothing more than to continue to offer a zest for life to her daughter. She DESERVES it. She DESERVES a mom who doesn’t succumb to emotional stagnation and who demonstrates what she preaches: let the feeling in, let it pass, and then continue forward. Be the YOU you want to be!
When hit with struggles there is only one thing I know to do:
I’ve sought advice about this state of my being. I’ve dropped the parts of my life that bring me additional and unneeded stress and said good-bye to the guilt. I’ve added more time into my life for the things that bring me joy and reprieve. I’ve stopped comparing my life to those who seem to “have it all”, realizing, I, too, “have it all” under my terms and with what is available to me, and it is enough. It is more than most! And, in persisting in this change, I’m beginning to accept where I am right now: wrinkles, age spots, gray strands, 40 years, single, and everything in between.
I want to thank all of you who read this blog. I want to thank those of you who comment and make my days fabulous. I want to thank you for being patient with me as my thoughts permeate, and I wait for the change over to occur leading the way to glass half-full thinking.
Today I was notified I’ve hit 200 followers, and my “stats are booming”!
My cup runneth over…I think I’ll bath in that for a while. In the meantime, Readers, be happy and persist! Chuckle, chuckle, chuckle.