Getting honest about being single

On a trail ride with my friend (I’m in the rear). Freedom!

I’m coming up on a year since I made the decision to cut out dating from my life.  The resolution came after disappointment upon disappointment and the impending feeling that what I was hoping to find just may not exist-for me.  I know it exists “in general”, but perhaps it is not in my particular 52-card deck to find.

I had taken “breaks” from dating before….so what was going to be different about this time?

I accepted my fate.  I was tired, truly tired, of hoping, looking, and wondering.

I let go.

And, I meant it.

What happened afterwards has become the year of change for me.  Not bulldozing, gonna be no matter what I want kind of change, but directly intentional, freeing change.

I became able to focus more of my energy on me, my behavior, my goals, my dreams, and how all of that plays into raising up a strong, independent young girl, my daughter.  In doing so I’ve had moments of implicit euphoria.  Feelings of, “Oh, my gosh, so THIS is what happiness, honest to goodness, deep down from the bottom of my tummy happiness feels like!”

I had forgotten.  I had really forgotten the purity of joy that comes from being free.  I felt it when I moved away from home, I felt it when I got sober, I felt it the day my daughter was born, and I feel it now.

Choosing to eliminate this sore spot from my life opened up new doors.  No longer did I need to save a part of myself for someone who didn’t exist, someone who didn’t care, someone who didn’t love or even like me for me.

I embraced my bed covers!  I embraced snuggling up with my dog!  I embraced going to bed early and not feeling “guilty” if I was too tired for anything else!  I embraced not having to finagle a sitter for Maycee just so I could have some “alone time” with Mr. Wrong!  I embraced the simplicity of only answering to myself!  I embraced knowing that I could handle everything on my own-I had been for years-why did I think a partner would make any of this better?!

And, this year, I took on working harder than ever BECAUSE I could….because I had the time….and I acquired not one, but TWO, horses. ME-on a single mom’s budget.  I changed career paths and seized the opportunity to grow and learn.  I focused every extra moment on the stability of my child’s lifepath, and she’s soaring into the blue sky amongst the clouds today. I worked down my debt and have been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Breathe….breathe.

Most of all, however, I realized my own self-worth.  How low had I set my price tag towards the end of my dating career….and for what? For whom?  Why?  Short hair, long hair, blue jeans, make-up, no make-up, dirt under the nails, or painted pretty-we are ALL beautiful and deserving of respect.  We have value.  I have value.

And, now, I am me.  I am free.  I am at peace.  And, with all of that….if I’m truly honest, which I am, I do still hope to find a romantic love one day.  A hand-holder, a gentle soul, funny, down to earth, genuine.  But, maybe I better re-phrase that…I hope he finds me because I will no longer be searching.

I will know when he does.  I will know it’s right.  I will feel calm, relaxed, and undoubtedly certain.  There will be no need to compromise.  He will be the one.

In the meanwhile, this current deck of cards is dealing a full house, and I’m really blown away with the hand!

Blessings abundant, and gratitude swells.

Readers, if you are currently in the dating conundrum, I suggest letting it go.  I suggest loving yourself and finding freedom in just being you. Explore, believe in yourself, take advantage of new opportunities. Being single is quite different from being alone.

Life is short…let your wings take you high!

April 2011 014

XOXO,

Kasey

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It’s Okay

I love you, Mom!
I love you, Mom!

Sunday I was out at the stable with Maycee getting ready for her to have a lesson and for me to accompany her in the arena for a short and easy ride on my horse. Before riding, however, my trainer suggested that I lunge Hi-C in the small round pen first, just to get the wiggles out. I was feeling a bit fatigued and shaky; I hadn’t eaten much but at the same time didn’t feel hungry. Yep, that is fatigue. But, I went ahead and did what was needed, or at least, I tried.

As I entered the round pen with the lunge whip (my saving grace), I told Hi-C to walk. He was nibbling on some teeny weeny pieces of grass between the bars of the pen and the outside. He ignored my (whimpy) command. So, I took the lunge whip and (meekly) swatted his rear and asked again, “Walk.”  Then I raised my voice, “Walk!”  Then I pleaded, “Come on Hi-C….Walk! Pleeeeeease!”  I felt failure creeping up and inside of my veins, and a whispering voice saying, “See, you stink at this.”  Hi-C continue to eat his scraps of grass. I caught him looking at me out of the corner of his eye, little devil.  Even though I felt defeated and insecure in my ability as a (very green) horseman, that look made me release with a smirk.

Dan, the owner of the stable, was up above on his patio barbequeing for his family for the Super Bowl game. He hollered, “Heeeeeeey, who’s the boss down there?!” and, he chuckled heavily. I laughed, too (although I felt like hiding in a hole) and replied, “Not me!” 

Finally, Hi-C, on his own recognizance, decided to begin walking the circle. “Good boy!” I encouraged. I clucked and said, “Trot”, but then WHOOOOOOOA, he decided to trot right towards me in the circle.  Every inch of 1,000 pounds of my tall big-headed horse coming at me. I waved the lunge whip at him high in the air, screamed a light scream (is there such a thing?) and then yelled “NO!” in the most manly voice I could muster after the high-pitched girly screech that came first.

Back out into the circle he went again…trotting….cantering….for a minute…then back at me….another WHOOOOOOOA, and a squeal, then my trainer yelling from out in the distance, “You can do it, Kasey!  Don’t let him be the boss!”

My nerves were shot. Maycee and my trainer’s little girl, K,  were giggling and watching me from the side of the round pen.  After a few successful circles without my big, giant pet wanting to play chase with ME,  I’d had enough, and I let him be. Maycee said, “Moooooom, he’s NOT going to hurt you! Look at him! He’s saying, ‘Hey, where are you going?'” (Yes, he did come over to me with his big ol’ head looking just like that.)  The girls were still giggling, and Hi-C still had that devilish little look in his eyes, but I know he loves me.  And, I knew he wouldn’t hurt me…but my body and brain were not registering the truth with the instinct to remain unharmed as the primary caregiver and sole financial provider to my child and self (wink)!

This wasn’t about Hi-C or my horsemanship, however.  It wasn’t about him not listening, or me not being assertive enough, or doubting that I can gain his respect on the ground, or even overcoming fear. Not this situation.  It simply was “one of those days” that we all have and most of us want to avoid.  We wish that every day, every experience, every moment was easy–that the successes we achieved happened continuously.  But, then, how would we EVER learn to deeply appreciate the spectacular from the mundane?

As I mounted my horse bareback that afternoon and confidently walked and trotted around the arena, my legs hugging his body, showing where I wanted to go with just the thoughts in my mind and slight movement of reigns, I felt free.  It was all okay.  Maycee was having fun during her riding lesson, my horse was behaving just fine without me being perfect, and it was all okay…and I let it go….for another time.

There's always tomorrow.
There’s always tomorrow.

Friends, we love to analyze, we like to pick apart our actions or the behaviors of others (animal or human), but sometimes the situation just…is.  So, for today, let it be or let it go, and live in the light because life is short.  And, as you feel the freedom flowing through you, give a chuckle.  Now, that’s what I’m talking about!

XOXO,

SWM♥