I’m coming up on a year since I made the decision to cut out dating from my life. The resolution came after disappointment upon disappointment and the impending feeling that what I was hoping to find just may not exist-for me. I know it exists “in general”, but perhaps it is not in my particular 52-card deck to find.
I had taken “breaks” from dating before….so what was going to be different about this time?
I accepted my fate. I was tired, truly tired, of hoping, looking, and wondering.
I let go.
And, I meant it.
What happened afterwards has become the year of change for me. Not bulldozing, gonna be no matter what I want kind of change, but directly intentional, freeing change.
I became able to focus more of my energy on me, my behavior, my goals, my dreams, and how all of that plays into raising up a strong, independent young girl, my daughter. In doing so I’ve had moments of implicit euphoria. Feelings of, “Oh, my gosh, so THIS is what happiness, honest to goodness, deep down from the bottom of my tummy happiness feels like!”
I had forgotten. I had really forgotten the purity of joy that comes from being free. I felt it when I moved away from home, I felt it when I got sober, I felt it the day my daughter was born, and I feel it now.
Choosing to eliminate this sore spot from my life opened up new doors. No longer did I need to save a part of myself for someone who didn’t exist, someone who didn’t care, someone who didn’t love or even like me for me.
I embraced my bed covers! I embraced snuggling up with my dog! I embraced going to bed early and not feeling “guilty” if I was too tired for anything else! I embraced not having to finagle a sitter for Maycee just so I could have some “alone time” with Mr. Wrong! I embraced the simplicity of only answering to myself! I embraced knowing that I could handle everything on my own-I had been for years-why did I think a partner would make any of this better?!
And, this year, I took on working harder than ever BECAUSE I could….because I had the time….and I acquired not one, but TWO, horses. ME-on a single mom’s budget. I changed career paths and seized the opportunity to grow and learn. I focused every extra moment on the stability of my child’s lifepath, and she’s soaring into the blue sky amongst the clouds today. I worked down my debt and have been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Most of all, however, I realized my own self-worth. How low had I set my price tag towards the end of my dating career….and for what? For whom? Why? Short hair, long hair, blue jeans, make-up, no make-up, dirt under the nails, or painted pretty-we are ALL beautiful and deserving of respect. We have value. I have value.
And, now, I am me. I am free. I am at peace. And, with all of that….if I’m truly honest, which I am, I do still hope to find a romantic love one day. A hand-holder, a gentle soul, funny, down to earth, genuine. But, maybe I better re-phrase that…I hope he finds me because I will no longer be searching.
I will know when he does. I will know it’s right. I will feel calm, relaxed, and undoubtedly certain. There will be no need to compromise. He will be the one.
In the meanwhile, this current deck of cards is dealing a full house, and I’m really blown away with the hand!
Blessings abundant, and gratitude swells.
Readers, if you are currently in the dating conundrum, I suggest letting it go. I suggest loving yourself and finding freedom in just being you. Explore, believe in yourself, take advantage of new opportunities. Being single is quite different from being alone.
Life is short…let your wings take you high!